One day I woke up and I felt scared for my life. Every night I saw something dark wanting to come towards me and take my life. My life did not feel like my own life anymore. I was scared I was going to die. I was scared I was going to just stop breathing. I felt hot & light headed. I was scared I was going to die and leave my son behind to suffer. I did not want to die but death became a part of my daily thoughts. I could not leave my home to go out in the streets because it felt like death was waiting for me to come out so it could take me. I could not just get in the car and go anywhere, death thoughts haunted me everytime I wanted to do something outside my home. What if someone came & shot me? What if I got into a car accident and just died?
Everyday I felt like death was out to get me and nothing was going to stop it. If people die everyday it meant it could be me any day. When I heard of someone who had died I wanted to know what killed them and how they lived their lives or what they believed in or never believed in to make out why death was coming for me.
Everytime before I left the house I would pace up and down thinking about what if I never came back. What if someone had to come into my room and see all that I left in it, what would they think about me? What would they think about how messy the room is? So I would try tidy a bit.
I tried to look at my actions for the day to make out whether it had any death signs. When someone looked at me I wondered if they were seeing death on my eyes; I wondered if they could tell that I was about to die.
I knew I had to find a way to stop death from taking me away from my son. When I heard my son cry for anything it would hurt and feel like that is how he was going to cry if I die and I could not let that happen.
That is when I found the words anxiety & depression. That is when I knew I was not mentally okay. I knew I had to find a way to stop these thoughts from controlling and taking over my life…….